Saturday night, I went out and approached a few girls. No success, shot down a bunch of times. It’s normal. I feel great. I did my part, the rest was up to luck and I profoundly accepted that part of life. Sunday morning, I got up early put myself under the barbell bar. Then it hit me. Approaching is just like weight lifting. You are strengthening an invisible muscle group called Vulnerability Tolerance and burning off the layers of fat called neediness.

Lifting weight is nothing more than using physical resistance to tear down the muscles to build new ones. Approaching is nothing more than overcoming internal (psychological) and external (social) resistances to tear down old beliefs and build new ones.

That’s why I’ve always believed that even in long term relationships, guys should still be approaching. It’s a radical mindset, since I am generally against infidelity. But hey, as long as you look at the menu and not buy, it’s okay. The point is that you know your Vulnerability Tolerance Muscle is strong, and you flex it with your partner instead of becoming needy of her.

Will power

Approaching is sheer will power. When every fiber in your body is trying to hold you back, and you do it anyway, you are showing an amazing amount of personal initiative. At 6am under the barbell, isn’t it the same sensation? You don’t have to be here and no one cares that you’re here – except for yourself (really, no matter how many times you’ve checked in). Against forces conspired to hold you down, you use all of your physical and mental power to push back. Muscle masses, like beliefs, start to tear at the edge of exhaustion. Afterward, you feel somewhat broken and devastated, but you will be rebuilt stronger than before.

The analogy doesn’t just end there either. In weight lifting, form matters. If you don’t have the right core, you will end up hurting yourself. The same is true for approaching. If you don’t strengthen your own sense of self first, every rejection will shatter your confidence.

You have to know that you’re approaching to find somebody compatible with you, not for her approval. When she doesn’t display interest, she’s not compatible with you.

Otherwise, you will feel as if you are not good enough and never approach anybody again. The good news is that you tend to do it right more often than wrong. You have to be an astronomical idiot to mess yourself up in the long run, but it can happen.

The dynamic muscle group

Why lift weight to impress girls? You’re not working out the right group of muscle. That’s like doing squats to prep for an arm wrestling contest. She’s not that impressed by your pecs and biceps. She’s impressed by your ability to put yourself in vulnerable situations over and over, and able to handle them. That’s the dynamic muscle group that you should be working on. That’s the muscle you’re flexing in front of her.

Building muscle burns fat and building your vulnerability tolerance burns through neediness like nothing else.

When I stopped approaching for a few weeks, I could feel myself being more invested in others’ opinions. When I was approaching on a regular basis, I was carved out of wood. The more often you approach, the more choices you perceive yourself to have (the outcome really doesn’t matter, since you are taking matters into your own hands), and the less dependent you are on anyone’s opinion of you. Sorry Sue, I just approached Jen, Ronnie, and Carly, so I’m very not interested in your games.

Repetition matters more than sheer weight in the long run, just as the number of approaches matter more than if she’s a “HB9.5” or however hot you perceive her to be. The best result comes from the right combination of the two. You should be able to repeatedly approach the type of women that you can see yourself being with. But given one over the other, repetition wins out. That 9.5 will seem more like a 7 after a while.

Technique

Start out small, then build up big. Know when to push yourself, but be gradual and progressive. Give yourself plenty of rest and rewards, but try to make it into a habit. Start out on the fixed-movement machines, but free weights and compound exercises work best in the long run.

Approach
Show interest
Escalate
Egress
Apply
Rinse
Repeat

Don’t blame yourself if you miss a few either, everybody does. Just do better next time. Remind yourself that someone out there is doing it diligently. Don’t let him beat you.

The common theme once again is your Vulnerability Tolerance Level. If you can tolerate more vulnerability, be it stepping in front of a cute chick or putting your head under a barbell with 2 45’s on each side, then your self-belief can only increase. There is no shortcut to it, so do it as early and often as you can.

Oh yeah, and don’t forget to write and read often. Let the tried and true information be your protein.

LIKE WHAT YOU'RE READING? JOIN OUR COMMUNITY

Join more than 10,000 quintessential subscribers getting exclusive content on how to improve your personal brand, enhance your mental performance, increase your social value and more. No spam ever. Just great stuff.

About
Latest Posts

Quan

I am an enthusiast of life, women, and speed. I love to discover the science and technology of living well. Writing is my purpose in life. I hope what I discover and write about help others as my favorite writers have inspired me.